Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Fighting with depression in my dreams

I'm mostly depressed lately and I went to bed in that mood. I had a peculiar dream. (Not the only one recently.)

I was lying in my bed (in the room where I work and take naps, not where I sleep) and came up with ideas. It was a set of idea fragments - naturally in a dream everything is a bit vague. Part of it was pony-themed parody lyrics for John Lennon's "Imagine", where he sings about being a dreamer. (Talk about situation-appropriate, hah.) There were also some pony jokes or some such that were quite the weird kind of humor. (along the lines of: "Imagine you travel to Equestria and a chicken winks at you.")
I tried to write all this down, sometimes on a notepad, sometimes on a tablet PC or such. But there was no light. I couldn't see properly, but was merely aware of the general surroundings. I kept trying and got frustrated. I wrote something on the notepad but couldn't even tell whether I was writing over other stuff I wrote. I reached for the bed lamp, but it wouldn't turn on, although I tried and punched it a lot. (Very common in dreams.) I didn't quite realize I was in a dream, though, despite that obvious clue. But at that point I encountered a general theme that occured in previous dreams: Any attempt of mine to mobilize in order to write stuff down or just attain the means to be active made it extremely difficult to do so. I tried to get up, and I had to grab the side of the bed and pull hard just to halfway get my upper body moving, but even that felt almost impossible to do. So eventually I tried to call out for help, but had no voice. But unlike in my recent dull mood in my waking state, I absolutely wanted to get it done. My desire to not just forget the ideas I had, but to at least write them down, drove me to push against that resistance. So that's why I also didn't give up trying toshout. After some attempts to move and/or make some noise, I barely managed to make a faint, short whimper. And that was not just in the dream. It carried over. I actually made that sound and woke myself up with it, and that's why I remember some of the ideas I had in the dream in the first place. It's like I really had to drag them out of the dream by brute force.

I'm too low-energy to seriously attempt to figure out what it means or how it can help me. All I could figure out over time using dream symbology interpretation is that my dreams tell what already is; the parts of my psyche that are active immediately below the surface. In that way, because my dreams so often simply express what I am already very aware of, I conclude that my waking and subconscious desires are mostly in sync. (No surprise really after the tons of introspection I did over many years.) And knowing that does nothing to help change the factors outside of my control that resulted in all this.
( What does help though is substantial support, because it signals that someone actually cares enough to make hope be a justified investment of energy. http://dowlphin.de/donationinfo.htm )
Regarding any more detailed analysis of specific dreams, there are always way too many possible interpretations and it's too much theory to attempt it. So I just wrote this down in order to share.

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